We had the opportunity to go see a Christmas program by Word Of Life Ministries when we lived in Florida, called Sights & Sounds of Christmas. As a minister of a church in their local area, we actually got to attend the dinner and show for free, and greatly enjoyed the opportunity. 

I have a large family, so events like this can quickly become expensive. We are grateful for their generosity while we lived there. It was a wonderful production, and our whole family loved it and had a great time.

We arrived early, since seating was on a first-come basis. As we were waiting, another family walked it and hovered in the lobby, also waiting for the doors to open. They were a nice looking family. But they didn’t really attract my attention at first. Just a father and mother, with four typical kids. The girls were chatting together, and the oldest son, who seemed to be sixteen or seventeen, had ear buds in.

But a few minutes later, I glanced up to see the father and son talking in a corner. This wasn’t any kind of “he’s in trouble” talking, and it don’t look serious. It looked to me like the dad just pulled his son away from the crowd to have a moment together.

I have no idea what they were talking about. It might have been about school that day. It could have been about their plans for the next day. Maybe even about a girl the kid liked.

But as I watched, the son gave his dad a really big hug.

I don’t know this family. I never saw them before that night, and may not ever see them again. But I could see in that few moments that this son loved his father. That implies that the father had invested enough into this relationship to develop it to the point where the son could hug his father in public without embarrassment.

That tells me that this guy was intentional about being a great dad.

Good job, Dad! Way to go! Thanks for the example and the encouragement you gave to another dad who happened to be watching!

As a result, I have been challenged to make sure that I hug my kids, and to do so no matter where we may be. It’s important that they know I love them, to be sure. But it’s also important that they know I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to be seen hugging them where others might see. That can build their confidence in my love faster than almost anything else.

So dad’s, hug your kids. Do it out in public. Don’t intentionally draw attention to it, but don’t be afraid of others seeing it either. Your kids will notice!

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The things my kids say… This happened when my son, Jadon, was four years old. He is now nine.

My wife was at her doctor’s appointment for this last (hopefully!) week of her pregnancy.

I was at home with the rest of the kids. All of them were still asleep except for my four-year-old.

So I took advantage of the moment and had some good conversation with my son. In the course of our talking, laughing, and enjoying our time together, I asked him what I could do to be a better dad. This was mostly tongue in cheek, since he’s four…

He scrunched up his face, thought for a moment, and said, “Ummmm… Bring me to McDonald’s!”

Now, I could explain why we don’t eat often at McDonald’s, and the unhealthiness of it, and the expense of it, and lots of reasons why this is a bad idea. In fact, I can count my visits to McDonald’s in the past five years on one hand. Or I can explain that his happiness shouldn’t depend on what I buy him.

But Jadon wouldn’t understand any of that.

So, in order to “be a better dad,” at least in his eyes today, I think I might just take him to McDonald’s later.

Take advantage of the moments you have with your kids. Live with them in the “NOW”. Otherwise, you may end up looking back at too many missed opportunities. I, for one, don’t want that to happen.

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I ran across this quote from Minnesota radio personality Garrison Keillor.

By way of disclaimer, I know nothing about this man, other than what I just read in a quick Google search. I can’t vouch for his website, his radio show, or his books.

But this quote is especially poignant.

The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, Daddy, I need to ask you something, he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.

I have found this to be true in my relationships with my kids. And I think it’s a pretty universal fact. Fathers parent their sons differently than they do their daughters.

We train our boys to become men. We expect more different things from them than we do our daughters. We fiercely protect our little girls, no matter what their age.

Let me give you an example of that from our family.  We don’t permit our daughters to date until they are 16 years old. But I have allowed my son to pursue a girlfriend at age 14. Here is my reasoning to this difference.  As a father of a daughter, my role is to be a protector of her heart.  My role as a father of a son is to teach him to be a protector of hearts.  I think that must start at a very early age, and as a result of that, I have a difference between the ages at which my kids can date.

Do we love either or sons or daughters more or less than the other? Of course not. We just express it differently.

My prayer is that God continues to melt my heart when it comes to my daughters. And that he does so with my sons as well.

The post Being A Pat Of Butter appeared first on JeffRandleman.com.

There are several essential qualities that dads must develop to become the best dads they can be. These qualities include practice and patience, persistence and perspective, passion, and… presence.

Presence.

That’s a great word, but what does it mean exactly? It sounds rather vague.

But it is one of the most essential qualities that a dad needs to develop.

Too many dads simply pass through the lives of their kids, never really engaging with them in any significant way. They aren’t really present. Oh, they may be there, home every night after work with the TV on or the newspaper in hand. But they aren’t engaged in the lives of their kids.

Why is this?

I believe it’s because they don’t know how to be engaged with their kids. Doing so is tough, and it requires effort. And most men struggle with this because their own fathers struggled with it.

My dad was a pretty good dad, but he struggled to be engaged in the lives of his kids. For example, he tried a few times to teach me how to drive a stick shift. He had an old ’64 Chevy pickup, with a three on the tree transmission. I don’t know how many times he wanted to teach me how to drive this, but after about three minutes of killing the engine by letting the clutch out too fast, he would give up in frustration and tell me I’d never learn how to drive a standard.

It was hard to talk to my dad. He seemed uncomfortable if the conversation got too deep and went beyond the normal joking levels.

He didn’t know how to be engaged in my life.

But this is an essential quality that dads must develop in order to be great dads.

Dads must engage their kids fully. They must be present in their lives, in meaningful ways.

Let me list out a few examples of how this can happen:

• Spend time listening to your kids
• Take your kids out, one on one. Let them pick the place you go.
• Watch a special movie with your kids.
• Lay on the floor and let them crawl all over you.
• Daddy/daughter date nights.
• Plan an afternoon excursion with your son, such as a hike, or go geocaching.
• Share your dreams for your kids, and listen to their dreams.
• Plan special family activities.
• Go camping together.
• Sleep on the floor by the Christmas tree as a family.

The point is to create meaningful memories with your kids. Give them something to look back on some day when they have their own families and are wondering how to be a good parent.

Kids who have parents engaged in their lives are more likely to be confident and have an inner strength that many are missing. Being present in the lives of your kids equips them to be able to handle most of life’s circumstances easier.

Being present with your kids shows them just how much you love them, and build depth to your relationship that creates a healthiness that most families lack.

Be present. You will benefit, your kids will benefit. It’s well worth the time and effort.

The post The P’s of Dadhood – Presence appeared first on JeffRandleman.com.

Some of the first posts I wrote for Deliberate Dads was a series on the Four P’s of Dadhood, which I soon expanded to eight. These articles discussed four essential qualities of dadhood. The first two are practice and patience. The second two are persistence and perspective.

Soon after, I came to the conclusion that my list is incomplete. I’ve identified at least four more essential characteristics that it take to be a great dad. The first one from this extension that I want to discuss is so obvious I really don’t know how I could have overlooked it.

It’s a quality that all dads have to have for their kids, if they want to have any type of relationship at all.

It’s crucial.

Passion

As I thought about the idea of passion, I realized that there are really two aspects to this quality of dadhood. Both of these are a part of the idea of passion, and as such, are sort of related. But they are also separate and distinct qualities that every dad needs to hold on to.

Passion for your kids

Love. It’s simple, really. In order to be a great dad, you need to love your kids passionately. You need to fiercely love them, protect them, provide for them.

Your kids will know if you don’t love them deeply or genuinely. And the scars from that type of neglect run deep. I can’t begin to express the hurt I’ve seen in the lives of students in my youth ministries who have been rejected by their fathers. It devastates and destroys lives.

And it can create a cycle of repetition: kids who aren’t loved by their fathers don’t know how to love their own kids, and generations suffer because of it.

Dads, love your kids. Show that to them, and do it often. But make sure you tell them often, as well. Nothing builds up a child like an expression of love from you to them.

My own dad was a pretty good dad, but he never really knew how to express his love for his children. I could give you a pretty close estimate of just how many times he verbally expressed his love to me when I was growing up, and it would be a pretty low number.

I know that he loved me, he just didn’t know how to express that love.

That’s something I vowed that I wouldn’t let happen when my oldest child was born. And since then, I tell my kids multiple times a day just how much I love them, no matter what. And I can tell that they enjoy hearing it.

Passion for being a great dad

If you want to become the best dad that you can be, you have to want it. That sounds like a football coach yelling at his team during halftime of the championship game. “You have to want it!”

But it’s true. In order to be a great dad, you have to make it a priority. Going with the flow will always result in mediocrity. And I don’t want to offer mediocrity to my kids. I want to give them excellence.

That means that you take the time. Take the time to do things with them. When your son wants to throw a football out in the yard, do it. When your daughter wants to go to Old Navy at midnight on Black Friday so she can buy herself a pair of jeans and save money, take her. Listen to them when they speak, put down what you are doing and look them in the eye and listen.

It also means that you take the time to teach yourself how to be a better dad. Read books and articles. Talk to other dads about what they’ve found effective with their kids. Educate yourself. Again, going with the flow will never grow you. That takes intentionality.

So, Dads, be passionate about this dadhood thing. Be passionate about your kids. And be passionate about being the best dad you can be for them.

It’s definitely worth it.

The post The Four – No Eight – P’s of Dadhood – Passion appeared first on JeffRandleman.com.

A few years ago, my son Titus and I spent the weekend at a father/son retreat at Lake Aurora Christian Camp. And it was pretty incredible.

We had some great experiences together. Titus and I first hit the waterfront and took a paddle-boat out onto the lake. It was pretty comical. Titus weighs significantly less than I do, so the paddle boat listed to the side pretty hard. Kinda made it hard to turn…

That evening after dinner, we had some game time, a campfire with singing, a devotion, and s’mores, and a hayride around the camp property.

Late night activities included dodge ball, capture the flag and other games.

The next morning, there was a great opportunity for father and son devotions together after breakfast. This was probably the most meaningful part of the weekend for me. Sharing in God’s Word with my son that morning is a memory I will cherish.

After our devotion time, we headed to the climbing tower. Titus successfully attempted to climb the medium difficulty wall. This is one of the proudest moments I’ve experienced with Titus. After all, he was only eight, and this was a pretty significant achievement for him. Once on top of the tower, he zip-lined down the eighty foot cable to the bottom.

From there, we went to the tomahawk and archery ranges. Titus had some difficulty managing the drawstring on the bow, so his archery score was pretty low. But he excelled at throwing the tomahawks.

He managed to sink three into the wooden targets; beating me by one. Here’s a photo of Titus with two of his throws.

Before lunch, we built picture frames for the photos the camp took of each family. My photo and frame remains in my office, where I can see it frequently. Titus keeps his in his room.

After lunch, we loaded up and headed home.

Even though it was a short weekend, less than twenty-four hours, it was a significant event for both Titus and me.

Spending a good chunk of uninterrupted quality time with my son was great. It was the best part of my weekend. It was well worth the time and expense.

And the same is true for my son. When we got home, my wife asked Titus what the best part of the weekend was. His response? Spending time with his dad.

That simply reinforces in my mind that in order to be a great dad, I must intentionally invest time into the lives of my kids. Simply providing a house and putting food on the table isn’t enough.

Dads, our kids don’t want more stuff. They want us.

Take some time and spend it with your kids. You don’t have to do anything extravagant. Go for a hike. Check out a museum. Do a craft together. Throw a few tomahawks at a tree in the backyard. Whatever it is, just spend the time with your kids.

Put down the phone, the newspaper. Turn off the TV. Let them have you for a while.

It’ll be well worth the time.

The post Sons Need To Have Fun Times With Their Dads appeared first on JeffRandleman.com.

Not too long ago, I received a copy of Life Ki-do Parenting by Jonathan and Lana Hewitt from the Time with Tracy blog. It contains an interesting approach to parenting. Much of what he says makes sense, and seems very practical. While not written from a Christian point of view, Life Ki-do Parenting conveys a very positive, others-centric strategy to parenting that is crucial to raising our children. Here’s a brief synopsis of the book.

My first question was what the title meant. In the middle of the first chapter, Hewitt explains it: ki means “inner strength or spirit,” and do means “the way.” So, Life Ki-do means “the way of living from your own inner strength and spirit and honoring the same in others.” Hewitt teaches martial arts, which provides a little more insight as to where his teachings and methods come from. This background lends itself to strong discipline as well.

While good, I think his approach stops short. In order to effectively communicate these principles, we cannot approach this on our own strength; we need God as the foundation.

That said, the Hewitts give some solid principles that go a long way to establishing some good parenting habits.

Life Ki-do Parenting starts off with what the Hewitts call the Four Pillars of Parenting.

Pillar # 1 is Modeling.

In order for our kids to develop good social skills for life, we need to model it in our own lives.

Pillar # 2 is Unconditional Love and Acceptance.

We are responsible for loving our kids. This includes the good times and the bad times. Accepting each child for who they are is essential.

Pillar # 3 is Nurturing and Empowering Encouragement.

Developing an atmosphere where kids can learn to be their best without fear is necessary for them to feel encouraged and confident in their abilities and decisions.

Pillar # 4 is Empowering Discipline.

At times, our children will misbehave. How we deal with that misbehavior can help or hinder their growth and development.

With the 4 Pillars of Parenting in place, the Hewitts move on to 4 Life Ki-do Tools.

Tool # 1 is called the River Check-In – 3 Bs.

This tool enables the child to develop focus by practicing mindfulness of the body, breath and brain. Checking these 3 Bs helps the child to focus on himself and on others around him.

Tool # 2 is called River Effort – Ice, Puddle, River.

The River is an essential concept here; a River flows. A Puddle is to soft and splashy, and Ice is too hard. Both of these types of attitudes aren’t what we are striving for; but a smoothly flowing River conveys the right idea. This concept helps the child to feel her best.

Tool # 3 is the A-B Formula.

Acceptance, and then Baby Steps. This tool enables the child to develop resilience and the ability to deal with challenges in life. The first part of this is acceptance of the situation. The latter half identifies the first step or two towards resolution.

Tool # 4 is My Shoes, Your Shoes, Our Shoes.

This tool helps the child to see the problem from their own perspective, followed by from the other point of view. This helps her learn empathy. Finally, this tool encourages a team based resolution to the problem.

While much of this seems to formulaic to work “out of the box,” I think the Hewitts have identified some solid principles in Life Ki-do Parenting. The ideas of putting others first and developing empathy, for example, are definitely biblical, and foundational to developing good life skills.

This is not the only approach to parenting. In fact, it may work well at all for many families. However, I did gain several solid insights and principles from reading it that I can apply to my approach to parenting my own children. And for that it was worth reading.

It might be a resource that you could use as well.

The post Resource Review – Life Ki-do Parenting by Jonathan & Lisa Hewitt appeared first on JeffRandleman.com.

Earlier this week, I had a conversation with a hurting dad. He had taken his family on vacation. They had big plans, and were planning on enjoying a few days away from the routine. But the very first night, his oldest daughter ran away. All of a sudden, vacation turned into crisis.

The family returned home, the police started searching, the next day, the girl was found and brought home. She did it again later that week. Only this time, her parents knew where she went, and were in communication with the parents of the friend she was staying with.

I don’t know all the specifics of this family’s home situation. I don’t have any idea why this happened. Nor do I need to know. What I do know is this: this dad was hurting. His daughter was making some poor choices and it was very painful for the rest of the family.

I had the opportunity to visit with this dad a few evenings ago. I’m not sure anything I said helped him very much. But it was obvious that his daughter’s decisions were hurting him. And he was facing some tough decisions: How should he respond… harshly? or with love? What sort of punishment was necessary? What changes needed to be made to prevent this from happening again?

I don’t know if he was actually thinking all those things. I know I would have been. And I would have been questioning my role as a father. Could I have done anything to prevent this? Did I fail somehow?

This family has been on my mind and in my prayers a lot this week. In my thinking and praying, I have identified four things that may be the next step for this dad.

Accept that our kids make their own choices

Sometimes they make good choices. And sometimes they don’t. But as our children grow up, they make more and more choices independently of our input and assistance. As painful as it may be, our children will sometimes make the wrong choices. They may hurt themselves or others. And sometimes all we can do it pray for them, asking God to protect them, and give them wisdom.

Many of these decisions will come with their own set of consequences. As much as we would like to protect our children from harmful consequences, sometimes the best way we can show our love is to allow them to experience those consequences. That way, they can see just what their actions have caused.

Continue to give our love

When our kids make poor choices, it’s tempting to shut the door on them. It’s tempting to withhold our love until thy change their actions. Resist that temptation. Continue to love them, in spite of their choices, in spite of the pain they may be causing.

Reach out to them

The cause of their decisions may simply be calculated to gain our attention. If possible, sit down with them, and have a heart to heart conversation. Don’t dominate the conversation with what they should have or shouldn’t have done. Listen to their reasons why. And really listen. Give them the chance to express how they feel, without interrupting or defending.

After they have spoken, ask them if they will listen to your point of view. Often a calm discussion can succeed where heated arguments will only fail.

Consider getting some help

Sometimes, our children’s poor decisions reflect a deeper need or issue that you may not be able to resolve on your own. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Too many families fall apart because they refuse to admit that they can’t do this on their own. I even hear one counselor on the radio state that seeking help is a sign of a healthier family. The unhealthy families refuse to look for assistance, but healthy families tap into that resource. Don’t be too afraid or too proud to pursue getting the help you may need.

Being a dad isn’t always easy. Being a great dad is even harder. But sticking to it during the tough times and handling those situations appropriately will help us be the kind of dads our kids need us to be.

Don’t give up!

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